Monday: Putting myself on auto pilot...

That's what I'm doing. I'm putting myself on auto pilot. I'm ignoring {mostly} how I really feel and I'm pushing forward with what I need to do.

Like taking the kids for haircuts. Which could have waited two weeks to be sure, but they wanted them done today. This means they behaved for them today. This means? It was easier on me to take them today.

And like running to Walmart. Getting them out of the house. Picking up a few essentials. Getting the little adrenaline rush that I know always follows a successful shopping trip.

Loading up the dishwasher. Wiping down counters and the dining room table. The little things that don't have to be done, but should be.

I'm letting the kids do an art project. I don't have the heart to even be remotely excited, but I'm letting do the project. It's irritating me. But I'm trying to get over it.

The upstairs is still trashed. The kids have mostly run wild today. I attempted to fix my hair color and it was mostly a fail. I just didn't have the heart to do it entirely correctly. I guess I'll be running to get hair dye to start over.

I just feel like mental hell. I would give anything to just go back to bed. To just ignore the world. But that isn't how it works. Auto pilot. That's the answer. Turn on auto pilot. Push myself through this day. Hope that tomorrow is better.

Auto pilot.

Saturday: The "Real" Me

This? At my children's birthday party today. Just because I can. Don't I look...."special"? I think I'd possibly just gone down the inflatable slide for the millionth time. I was apparently the official taker of large quantities of children down inflatable slide person. But? It was a blast.

Friday: Yes, I am supposed to be cleaning my house...

I know. I don't want to.

I don't know where my obsession with cleaning the house before company arrives comes from. I don't remember ever worrying about such things before I became a "real" adult {married}.

Regardless, as messy as I perceive the house to be RIGHT NOW? It will all be at least cleverly hidden mess before my guests arrive. Like the triple story pile of laundry on the couch? The one that is quite cleverly covering and hiding my suitcase from vacay? That will be gone. Somewhere. Probably put away even though it'll be a devil of a job. And the floors will get vacuumed. The beds will get made. My stuff will vanish before your very eyes and I will have a mostly Martha Stewart looking home, plus a shower and a smile plastered on my face by 5PM.

It's hard work though. And I really don't feel up to doing it. But I should really get started. It's just that I'd rather sit here. Grumbling. Mumbling. Listening to the children sass each other.

In fact? I slept rather poorly last night. Had some strange nightmare about my 1st ex-husband having a 2nd wife who went around cheating on him in limousines?? What was worse??? She brought along a teenage version of our daughter -- dressed quite slutty. I know? It makes me shiver in disgust. Of course, in the dream the only thing I could do was shout at slutty teenage version of daughter and chase after speeding limo. Which did nothing. Thank goodness I woke up!

Alright, now you know I've lost it. I better go clean something.

Thursday: That didn't help at all....

I managed to get out of the house for about an hour today. Kid-free. I really, really, really need a break. It's been non-stop for goodness knows how long just me and them all day long and my limit had been reached. Sad, but true.

So, I took off in my car with absolutely no clue where I was headed, but knowing that I had very little time. Went to two shoe stores. Where else would I go? No, there were other places that popped into my head, but I knew I'd be unlikely to purchase shoes today, so I went where my checking account was safe. And? I didn't buy any shoes.

Then I went to Claire's. I really needed something different for my nose. And they did in fact have nose piercing thingies so I bought two packages. And I'm glad too because the stud that they pierced me with was big and annoying. Now I have a cute little cubic zirconia in there and I'm much more comfortable to be sure!

I considered going to Starbucks. But it's gotten hot today, so I opted out. I don't want a coffee when the temps are rising.

Anyway, I thought maybe that had been enough? Because you know I had the radio cranked, the windows down, I'd gone shopping and I'd almost even gotten a coffee {decaf of course}...but I still feel like hell.

I just want to curl up in a ball or, you know, run away again. For longer. To do what? I don't even know. I suppose the hour that I had was better than no hour at all. At least I can say I had that hour and look forward to the next hour I'm likely to get at some point. And maybe I should get up earlier next week and carve out 2 or 3 hours in the morning to go and do a few things that I really enjoy {haircut, tanning, eyebrow/lip wax} and schedule it and then go. Because that will probably do me whole bunches of good. I also won't feel so rushed to not be gone for too long.

So I'm greatful I got to go, but realize it wasn't enough. And next time I need to remember to schedule myself more time so that I can really enjoy it.

*sigh*

But tomorrow? My very bestest good friend from honestly when I was like 4 years old is coming to my house! For the weekend! With her kids! I'm stoked. But my house? Totally not ready for company. I need to get my ass moving. It's too bad I'm in such a funk and just can't.

For Women Only: the Diva Cup review (of sorts)

I'm sorta grossed out right now. Preparing to talk about menstrual flow and all that. But I'll plunge on anyway and see how far I can get before gagging. If you start gagging I suggest you back away from the computer. No sense in getting puke all over your computer if you can avoid it. And I'm not going to sugar coat this so don't read it if you don't really want the nitty-gritty on this little thing.

On with it...

So, first, the company that I ordered my Diva Cup from -- sent me the wrong size. So, I'm using the size 1 Cup and I should be using a size 2. You have to factor that in. I should have sent it back and all, but I figured by the time it all got sorted out I might have had to wait yet another month before I'd get to use it and I really needed to stop with tampons.

You wanted to know that right?

And....

I compare it to having a very strange sort of bloody shot glass wedged into your vagina.

How's that for vivid mental picture?

I took my Diva Cup on vacation with me. Just. In. Case. See, I never know anymore when I might start. I used to be quite regular and clockwork-ish and then I had children and that all went out the window. So, I knew I'd be cutting it close. The Cup? Much easier to travel with than boxes of tampons or flimsy plastic packages of pads. Not that I use pads, but I know someone does.

So, on Monday evening (who starts on a Monday NIGHT????) when it started and I was 15 minutes away from my cup ... I made the mad "I hope I don't leak or anything" dash back to my hotel. After trying to explain to my mom that I was now using a freakin' CUP for my period. Who wants to talk about that with their mom???

This meant I was alone the first time I tried it. No one was pounding on the door or screaming or needed anything. I say this is very good. I think it took me at least 15 minutes to get going.

I had an easy time understanding the instructions. I had an easy time with insertion. Now I'm not sure if the cup felt weird the first few times or if it was the cramps. Sometimes I don't have cramps so I think I was contributing pain I did have to the cup when in fact it was probably just cramps. You might have an easier time deciding this if your cramps, or lack of cramps, is very consistent from month to month.

Now, regarding removal? I'm having a tad bit of trouble there. Again, because I think the cup is the wrong *ahem* size for my almost-30-two-kids-later vagina. Sad but true -- she ain't what she used to be. I won't lie. That being said, I have enough *ahem* muscle in that region to lightly push it low enough to pull it out without any digging.

Are you thoroughly disgusted now? Have I gone just WAY too far with this????

After it's out though? Really? Not to bad. I dump the "bulk" of the cup directly into the toilet. Which is less gross than you think, though you do end up getting a little blood and stuff on your hand here and there so you know...be prepared for that. And I hate blood, but it does not bother me. I think just because it's not "bad" blood. And by bad, I mean blood that means I'm dying or something.

I have found I need to be close to a sink or I have no idea what to do with cup. So, I use our downstairs bath which is puny and allows me to access sink and faucet while on the toilet.

TMI AGAIN!

I turn on the faucet and throw the cup in the sink. This way it's being rinsed and I can sort of "finish up". When I'm done I finish rinsing out and cleaning the cup. I re-insert it. Then I wash up and I'm done. It only takes a few minutes. Possibly a little longer than it would take to use a tampon or a pad -- but the garbage reduction? Phenomenal! Very much less. So you know if being more green is part of what is swaying you towards the Cup -- it's much more green. And it won't clog your toilet. Unless you accidentally flushed it I suppose, but I don't think you'll do that.

As far as leakage goes? Well, I've had spots of leakage. Not enough to be a concern while out in public...just enough to let me know that it did in fact leak a little bit. But I'm contributing that entirely to having the wrong size Cup and not to the Cup itself. I'm also thinking because I don't dry the Cup -- what afterall would I dry it with??? -- before reinsertion so perhaps that contributes to a little bit of drip. Overall though -- having worn it for a long car ride (4 hours) and overnight (10+ hours) I'm very, very pleased with the pretty consistent NON-leakage thing. I was worried that the wrong size might mean I was in for real trouble. But even having the wrong size, I've been pleased.

Now, the big bummer for me right now? I'm trying to find a Diva Cup in size 2 locally in a store. Instead of online. And so far -- no luck. I want to try the size 2 and see how it compares. I figure the size 1 can be very reliable backup. If you know of an actual storefront that carries the Diva Cup -- please let me know. I'd prefer not to order online again if I can avoid it. Because of the size screw-up and all.

And there you have it. Not so much a review, though I do give it thumbs up for actually working like it says it will, but my very own personal experience with the Diva Cup. No so much censored and I hope not making women across the blogosphere gag in disgust. If you have a bit of puke in your mouth? I apologize.

Tuesday: Hey! We're back!

Well, okay, I'm back. My kids aren't going to come and say hello.

We had a nice trip.

Other than:

• construction
• people who do not know how to drive
• construction
• people who do not know how to drive

See? Good trip.

We did almost everything that was on my to-do list for this little vacay. The hotel we stayed in was awesomeness. We saved some money not eating out every meal. We only had fast food twice. I had enough room in the suitcases on the way back for everything. Instead of what usually happens where somehow I run out of room for the things we need to bring back.

I won't get to support group AGAIN tonight. That sucks.

We missed roller skating today. That sucks.

The house smells stale and like dog poo. That sucks.

But the kids are upstairs watching television or movies quietly. That's awesome.

I've gotten laundry started and it's going and going and going. That's awesome. I guess.

We have company coming to stay for the weekend on Friday! YAY!

And tomorrow? Woohoo! Tomorrow? I'm going to tell you all about the Diva Cup...in detail. Guys...be warned!

Wednesday: Someone take away my ability to make purchases...

I haven't done so badly, but I'm made some purchases.

Anyone ever had a The magnetic poetry Book of Poetry? I received one as a gift when I graduated high school from the teacher that I did work for during study hall. I have no idea what happened to it all these years later -- in fact, it could be packed up somewhere in storage. I bought a sequel edition to have the kids use to make up stories and poems, and for word recognition.

I also bought myself a copy of Bram Stoker's Dracula to read. Though I haven't really gotten past the 3rd page because every time I start it? I'm thoroughly interrupted. Ugh. I hate being interrupted when I'm reading. HUGE pet peeve of mine.



And I bought myself a printer. I know I probably don't need my own printer, but this one? Was just $34 at Walmart.com and over $100 on Amazon. I honestly do not believe that has ever happened before -- so when I saw how cheap I could get it -- I snatched it up. I need to use it for the wedding. That makes it a wedding related expense. Which means it's not really like spending money, right?
But you know what I really want? What I have been absolutely desperate for?



It's a Geisha tattoo. I. Want. It. Seriously! It's lovely and all sorts of gorgeous. I just know the wallet can't hack it. So, I search images on Google over and over and over and over and save more and more images of possible images for the next tattoo. {And yes, this may be copyrighted, so if you want it taken down, let me know...I don't know where it came from.}

On the good side of money though? I have put money into savings every two weeks. This time around it was a whopping $55.26. Nice round number, huh? I wanted to make sure something got put away before we went on our trip so that I didn't go all willy-nilly and wind up with nothing for savings.

I don't have a set amount that I put aside. It might be $10 or it might be $75. It honestly depends on what I know I'll want to spend money on. This time around we'll be on vacay for almost a week so I know I can't put it a ton away, but I also knew I didn't want to only stash aside a piddly amount. Since I could get my account to a completely even number, I went with $55.26. That leaves no question in my mind about what is left for our adventures.

And if I haven't mentioned before? My motivation for savings really is not anything in particular. It's just a way for me to not spend every dime I have. It's not for anything in particular at this moment. And it's not even very much money because I have not put much in there. But it's better than what is in there having been spent on something silly.

If you are interested in saving? I will highly recommend ING. I've earned quite a good bit of interest and the money is more difficult to access which makes it more worthwhile to let it be.